the maintenance in keeping up with friends
why are you saying sorry for dumping info on me? like, how else are we gonna catch up? via snail mail??
Being an adult is a pain in the ass because you grow and change. You know what also grows and changes? This newsletter. Friendships do too!
My snake plant, even though you swear is invincible from the elements of human error, topples out of the soil and dies. Whoops. Shit sucks. The leaves looked healthy to me! If a snake plant can be wilted out of submission, your friendships can succumb to that, too.
You can't stop the passage of time. It is constant, it shifts, it morphs and changes. If you don’t reflect on the changes, you’d swear you were on autopilot. If you’re not awake, someone else has commandeered your vessel.
I am truly thankful for the friends I have. They are my support network. I have the best engaging conversations with my pals. They in turn give me energy, laughter, and a shoulder to lean on.
On maintaining friendships
My visit up to New York this month had me re-assess my own anxieties. Moving to a different city sprouted problems I didn't think I would have solutions to. Problems like: how do I care and maintain my friendships?
I am thankful for the ease technology gives me to stay in touch with friends. However, I do recognize that there's work and there's labor to maintain these friendships.
I hold nothing personal against my friends. If anything, they're the ones that teach me how to maintain communication.
We share running jokes. Send memes. Share pictures and say, hey this reminded me of you, can we catch up on the phone or Facetime one of these days? A voice memo that pings you so you can hear my rambling thoughts. Such as, how do you have energy in the morning because I'm still figuring that shit out?
There’s the expectation for your friends to understand your growth and development. As if they understand your narrative as a third-party omniscient observer.
It sets up disappointment, because you think your friends just are aware of the tribulations and challenges you have faced. But that’s baloney. It’s bullshit. Your friends aren’t existing in the same space as you 24/7. They can’t read your thoughts, and they certainly cannot expect to know your every single motivation and each inkling of a dream that threads from one musing to the next.
Could your friends do better?
Friends are wonderful because they don't nag you to find a new job - unless maybe you are roommates with this friend and you’re behind on rent.
Friends can hold you accountable for making wise choices to better your mental health. Especially if you keep hooking up with that trash human (you know which trash human). Or, a friend circles back to make sure you schedule that appointment with your new general physician.
Maybe we don’t need to have the expectation that a friend is our administrative assistant. But, it’s wonderful to know we have that one friend to help us not slide back in the horrible mountain of un-completed life admin.
Keeping up with friends entails labor. It’s the maintenance to stay in touch; to keep up with the milestones and happenings our loved ones celebrate in order to be present in their lives. It’s the work to make sure you block out time to reconnect with them.
I personally hate filling my schedule with back-to-back outings for friends whenever I visit New York. It doesn't allow the spontaneity for one-off meet ups to happen at chance. I like randomness, and I like serendipity.
You probably thought I was a stickler for strict scheduling. Nah, dog. If anything, I am hard on myself to commit to appointments so I can visualize the free time I do have. If you don't prioritize leisure, then how do you know you have time to spend it, anyway?
Do yourself the favor: set up a phone call or Facetime with a friend you've been wanting to reconnect with. And no, don't just smoke a bunch of weed and watch a movie with them. How can you even focus? Get outta here.
👀
Eve will have a table for her jewelry over at Pizza Bones this Sunday! If you’re in Richmond, stop by and say hi!
Thanks for Listening,
Alexander