What is your attachment style?
Probably swings between "what a wonderful day to be with the ppl I love" and "are you mad at me??"
I listened to an episode by NPR’s Lifekit on attachment styles. If you’re not familiar with relationship attachment styles, I can break it down for you.
On attachment theory
Basically, your socialization skills with your parents (or whatever persons nurtured you in the household) map out how your behaviors in your romantic relationships play out later in life.
It’s not limited to romantic relationships. Attachment styles can also map out how you interact with your platonic friends or your colleagues.
For example, if a caregiver was aloof and withdrawn with their child, then the child might learn from that caregiver the pattern of behaviors for interacting with their sources of attachment. When the caregiver is out of reach say, in a different room, then the child might mimic aloof behavior to garner the caregiver's attention.
Learning passive aggressive behavior at the age of three? Heh
Maybe the child will learn the patterns of behaviors that exhibit an Avoidant attachment style. Stonewalling in a difficult talk with a partner or ignoring multiple emails from a supervisor are examples of Avoidant attachment behavior.
I illustrated extreme examples. Not only how you're raised by your folks is your attachment style shaped. Genetics can map out how your attachment style is shaped, as well as your life experience.
Also, your attachment style can change over the course of your existence.
It’s true, just listen to the Lifekit episode.
Will you go out with me? because my attachment style is secure and so is yours
Valentine’s Day just passed. Do I need a dedicated day of the year, like February 14th, to convey how much I love my fiancé? Nah. There are random days where I’ll be sappy as hell.
Point being, it takes years of experience to change attachment styles. To confront yourself that you want to change this takes guts. In the past, I viewed myself as a person with an Anxious attachment style. Now with life experience, I can confidently say I got a Secure attachment style.
There’s no good or bad attachment style!
Growing up, I was such a worrywart. An overthinker. So, I overanalyzed my interactions with my parent. In the past, I needed to be validated from my source of attachment.
Now, I’m more chill.
I got the resources I need to keep my generalized anxiety in check. Though, my habits of overanalyzing interactions have stuck with me when I worked full time. Granted, it was helpful because anxious people like me know how to read a room.
I have thought through every nuance with certain interactions. Did I raise my voice too high with a client? Am I boring my manager with a conversation? Did my reply-all email ruffle feathers with other coworkers?
I don’t say having generalized anxiety is a badge of honor. But, maybe we’re a set of people that can navigate situations and anticipate crises better than the person who doesn’t cope with generalized anxiety.
Happy late heart day.
You’re reading “Thanks for Sharing”. I took several quizzes and the consensus is I got a Secure attachment style. Subscribe to get new posts and to support my writing.
Having passion for your job is relatively a new concept. And, it’s even harder for women to choose between a passion for work versus work that pays well.
Speaking of overanalyzing emails, here’s some tips to not fuck up your work emails.
Thanks for Listening,